


Lights Out

by kainess



Category: EXO (Band), K-pop
Genre: Angst, Depression, Drabble, EXO - Freeform, Minseok - Freeform, Oneshot, Other, Suicidal Thoughts, Xiumin - Freeform, kpop
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-02-03
Updated: 2018-02-03
Packaged: 2019-03-12 22:08:28
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,598
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13556562
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kainess/pseuds/kainess
Summary: In which Minseok feels truly insignificant.





	Lights Out

**Author's Note:**

> warning: this story deals with depression and suicidal tendencies.

He has to remind himself to breathe as his hands grip onto the cold metal railing, brown eyes wandering over the outline of the city silently. It's cold; the winter breeze was quite unforgiving in February, especially for a young man who's leaning over the only thing between him staying firmly planted on the rooftop or plummeting below to his death. It was amazing for him to think that this small metal railing was the only thing giving him any protection. It would be so easy for him to hoist himself up and jump over the ledge and just end it. End everything. All the internal turmoil he was going through every day; to end all the suffering and pain. 

Minseok wasn't sure what happens to people after they die. He didn't care what would happen to him. While most people were against this, Minseok often hoped that there was no afterlife. That everything just ceased to exist. He would prefer if everything went dark and he just stopped existing. Nothing for him to think. Just nothing. That's what he preferred. Some people wanted to go to Heaven, others wanted to be reborn, some believe they'll roam the earth, some just think they'll simply _exist_ , and some wanted to become part of the earth. Minseok couldn't see himself happy with any of those options with the exception of becoming part of the earth. Reincarnation or being reborn was fascinating to him at first- that is until he fell into a deep self hatred and decided he didn't want to take a risk of becoming someone like himself in his next life. He wanted nothing to do with himself. The only way he'd be happy is if he was as far removed from himself as possible and the only way he saw that happening was if he just simply ceased to exist. For his soul to be physically ripped from his body and to be stretched into nothing until all his thoughts faded into nothingness; that's what he wanted. 

 He scoffs at his own thoughts before pulling himself away from the railing. He wasn't here to jump to his death. He was only here to think. The rooftop he's standing on is empty with the exception of a few vents and cigarette butts lying around on the faded concrete. His feet feel heavy as he walks away from the ledge and to the middle of the rooftop. It was midnight; his favorite time to come. Did he actually consider this something he liked doing? He wasn't sure. He slowly sits himself down onto the cold ground, tugging at the thin material that made up his sweater. It was fourteen degrees Fahrenheit and he was definitely feeling the consequences of not bringing his jacket. He pulls his phone out of his pocket, swiping his thumb across the screen to unlock it. 

No new messages.

He lets out a small sigh and shoves his phone back into his pocket. He wasn't sure what he was expecting considering he seemed to be everyone's last option. Maybe he just hoped things would be different this one time. He pulls the small and nearly empty book bag off his back and places it on the ground, lying down afterwards and resting his head on his bag. His legs are bent with his feet on the ground, his hands resting comfortably on his stomach. It was nice out. Quiet with the exception of drunk people from the bar a few buildings down and cars honking from the distance. From his spot he could hear the wind, his bangs blowing slightly from the cold breeze. He actually came to look at the stars. In his city stars were rarely in the sky, but tonight they were everywhere. It was as if a painter dipped their paintbrush into gold paint and splattered it across the sky. It was beautiful. Stargazing was one of the few times where he could feel himself happy, where his smile was genuine. 

He's not sure when everything in his life started going downhill. He just remembers being happy one day and then miserable the next and never fully returning to that happiness he once had. The last time he was happy...when was that? If he thinks hard enough he might have been ten...maybe nine. He wasn't sure and he didn't care to think. It was depressing to think about; the more he thought about it the younger he seemed to be and he didn't like that thought. He turns his head to his side, his hand reaching out to the empty space next to him. He was lonely. He had limited friends, friends that didn't seem to care about him in the first place. They always hung out without him, barely texting his phone and asking him what he was up to or how he was doing. Maybe that's all he really wanted; for someone to ask if he was alright. Maybe that was too much to ask for. He supposes it doesn't matter. If he lets himself think about that for too long then he'll get dangerous thoughts in his head- thoughts that would urge him to leap over the metal railing just a few feet away. He didn't feel like taking that risk tonight, especially since he couldn't trust himself. He might just do it if he goes down that route. He brings his eyes back up to the starry night above him, each star shining brighter than the next with tiny white and yellow sparkling dots littering the sky. 

It was amazing to think how big the stars truly were when they appeared this tiny from his spot on the earth. In a few ways he could find himself relating to stars. Sure, he didn't shine and he didn't sparkle and he certainly wasn't beautiful by any means necessary- he only related to them in the sense that they were so tiny. In many senses Minseok himself was tiny. Insignificant. There are thousands- millions of stars in the sky and it was difficult to keep his eyes on the same one. Once his eyes left a star and went to another the odds of him finding that same star again were slim. That's what he related to. In a swarm of people in the busy streets, he too was a star. Small and insignificant; impossible to find once your eyes leave him, lost in the hundreds and hundreds of people going about their lives. Nothing about him stood out, he had no hidden talents and he didn't possess any qualities that set him aside from the average Joe. When together, all stars looked the same. They can't be told apart from one another and nothing stands out about them with the exception of the few that shine greater than the rest. Minseok is not the star that outshines the others. He's the star that's fading, the star that's on the verge of death and caving in on itself. Then again, a star dying was always a beautiful thing. Maybe Minseok didn't relate to stars after all.

He looks to the stars with an expressionless face, his eyes empty and devoid of the light it once held. He licks his dry and chapped lips before sighing loudly. Why did he feel like such an outcast? He didn't even have a hard life. He had no reason to feel the way he did. His parents raised him with love and care, making sure he always went to bed on a full stomach. He had a select few friends growing up and he wasn't bullied more than the other kids at his school. He had a good paying job and a somewhat decent apartment; he even had a Persian cat named Chaz. He could afford his rent and still have enough left over to pay for food and gas and then some. His life was considered easy in the general sense of the word, yet he still struggled. Why did he struggle so much? Why did he struggle so much when he had it so fucking easy compared to other people? He was never abused, assaulted, violated, taken advantage of, bullied, neglected. He never went through any of those things. Hell, he never even went to bed hungry growing up. So why was it that he was so miserable? Why was he searching for a way to end it whenever an opportunity jumped at him? 

A loud sob breaks the silence surrounding him, wet and hot tears streaming down his red and numb cheeks. His chest heaves as he only cries more, the quiet atmosphere making it deafening to Minseok. Why couldn't he just be normal? Why couldn't he just be happy like everyone else? He wasn't asking to be happy all the time; just enough to where he doesn't feel like jumping in front of the next train or bus or car that passes him. Was that really too much to ask for? A shaky hand reaches up to clumsily wipe away the tears from his cheeks. Those stupid, round cheeks. He lets out a frustrated cry as he curls into a fetal position on the cold ground. Why was everything about him so annoying? He hated everything. His round cheeks that the baby fat never fully left, his pale skin, his hair and how it never seemed to work with him no matter the style or weather, his height and how he was shorter than most of his colleagues and peers, his annoying and screechy voice, and most of all his weight that he can never seem to keep in control. He's always overweight or underweight with no in between. His constant bad dieting habits have wrecked his body and metabolism and he's more than aware of that. From starving himself to eating everything in sight until he can't move without physically becoming sick- it's never enough. He's already losing control of his life and he's only twenty-seven years old. 

He wishes he had someone to hold him right now, someone to walk him through this. Not necessarily in a romantic sense; just a friend who would listen to him cry and be there to comfort him. Hell, they didn't even need to be a friend. Minseok was willing to take a stranger at this point. He was just so lonely and _so tired_  of holding everything inside of him. Minseok was the only one to take care of him, the only one to listen to him cry, and the only one to talk himself through his episodes. It was frustrating and relentless to be his own company for matters like this, but his friends would never understand. Why would they? How would they? What would they even say to him? He doesn't want to come across as crazy or unstable around them- what if they want nothing to do with him afterwards? He's only ever opened up two times to people and both times he ended up scaring them away; driving a force between them. He didn't want to scare away the few friends he had now, so he decided to be Happy Minseok around them instead of Sad and Depressed Minseok. But keeping everything constantly inside of him was tiring and it was driving him insane. He needed some way to let everything out before he goes off like a ticking bomb. Writing posts online and letters to himself barely helped anymore, let alone watching cute or funny cat videos when feeling a wave of depression come on. He was running out of things to keep himself sane with and it was really starting to get to him. He needed an outlet. He really just needed someone to listen to him. 

He flinches harshly when the sudden and sharp noise of his alarm sounding off on his phone, bring him back to reality and out of his head. He pulls his phone out, reading that it was now three in the morning. Had he really spent three hours just crying on a rooftop alone? He doesn't know if he should be surprised or not. He decides he's not and stuffs the phone back into his pocket. He needed to go to bed soon if he wanted to wake up on time to make it to his shift. He just sits there for a moment, not moving a muscle as he stares blankly ahead, trying to pull himself together but letting himself fall apart at the same time. This was his time after all. The only time of day where he could truly cry and let out everything he's been feeling. Maybe crying on a roof until three in the morning would be his new outlet. He snorts to himself quietly as he grabs his book bag from behind, placing it on his lap afterwards. It's when he goes to push himself to stand up that he feels something wet and cold land on his nose. He goes cross-eyed trying to get a look at it before he sees something white fall from the sky in the corner of his eye. _Ah, it's snowing._  

He moves to stand on his feet after a few minutes of just watching the snow fall around him, slowly collecting on the surface of the rooftop. There was no doubt that it would be covered in a white blanket of snow the following morning. He lets his book bag dangle at his side as he just stands in place, red and puffy eyes visible accompanied with his tear stained cheeks. He sniffles silently; he probably caught a cold now. He turns on his heels and walks back over to the metal railing that he was once at before, sparing a glance down to the mostly empty streets below him. Most people were now home and in bed with their families. He was five stories up. It would be easy. Now would be the perfect time to do it. No one would see him fall and that's almost the way he wanted it. To die without anyone knowing or seeing. Someone would discover his body by the morning, or maybe in the next hour. That didn't matter though. _It would be so, so easy._

He watches his breath form in the chilly air as he lets out another sigh before pushing himself away from the railing once more. _That's not what you came here for tonight_ , he reminds himself gently. He takes a step back from the ledge before making his way over to the door that led him up to the rooftop. Maybe tomorrow would be a better day. Maybe he would laugh and actually mean it. Maybe he would get a raise or promotion at work tomorrow. Maybe he would meet somebody new or make a new friend. Maybe he would open up to one of his friends. Maybe he would be happy for a split second and that was enough for him. Enough to keep pushing him forward. Tomorrow was filled with endless possibilities for him; that's what will keep him going.

He closes his eyes as he grips onto the cold and rusty door handle, a small smile on his lips as he lets the last of his tears stream down his round cheeks. He lets his hand fall from the handle, dangling motionlessly at his side for a moment before he drops his book bag to the ground. He takes a step back from the door and approaches the metal railing once again. 

Yes; morning will come again.

**Author's Note:**

> A/N: Because Minseok is my bias and someone who I feel like I can relate to when it comes to self loathing, I find it easy to use him as my muse/outlet when needing to pour out my negative feelings. This was kind of like a therapy session to me; so it's alright if this story wasn't your cup of tea. I made this purely to give myself room to breathe. But if you liked it, then I guess this is just a bonus, right? Or maybe you can relate to this story; which in that case at least we both then know we aren't alone, right?
> 
> and yes, this was inspired by EXO's Lights Out, written by Chen/Jongdae and performed by the vocal line. It's a very meaningful song if you haven't yet listened to it or looked at the lyrics. I expected nothing less from my man. 


End file.
